Legal Eagle

A couple of days ago an attorney friend of mine asked me for a favor. Between family lawyers and the friend ones, I probably know a couple dozen attorneys and like keeping them on the speed dial. Just last month, for example, when forced to deal with a frustrating insurance issue regarding the family car, I consulted with an attorney brother, an attorney brother-in-law, and two attorney friends. There’s something about a little legal jargon that makes me feel invincible in the midst of conflict. I like to pepper the conversation with big lawyerly terms gathered from my lawyer crowd, hoping to scare my opponent into capitulation. Things get heated, though, and I’m not always sure when to use the right term. When this doesn’t work I blame it on my adversary’s inability to detect nuance and the fact they weren’t born with a brain. Next I resort to less subtle jousts like, “Well, when I spoke with my attorney about this, they recommended such and such.” This tactic generally proves even less fruitful.

So the other day when my friend asked for a favor I quickly said yes. It seems he’d had some legal problems of his own and when the legal jargon tactic followed by statements like, “You realize I am an attorney,” didn’t work he turned to me. And why not? I’m no attorney but then he was way past the legal route and came looking for some more specialized work.

It turns out my friend was heading to small claims court and needed a person not directly involved in the case to serve papers to the defendant.

“Perfect,” I said then added, “You realize I have a bit of experience with this sort of thing, don’t you?” And while I’ve technically served papers before I did spend a year as a private investigator looking into insurance fraud cases. But like I told him - that’s a totally different story for another time.

I caught a lot of people though. Unfortunately yesterday turned out a bust as the defendant didn’t live at the expected address. I’m on the case though and will now turn to my killer private eye skills to track them down.

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Jim Gaffigan, Cake, and What?

One of my favorite comedians is Jim Gaffigan though admittedly I’d be hard pressed to name more than five and that includes Gallagher whom I believe is dead and the only thing I know about him is that he made his fortune smashing fruit before huge crowds. This seems completely stupid to me and I’ve always assumed those attending Gallagher’s shows must have been either completely drunk or totally wasted to see the humor in having chunks of watermelon and cantaloupe splattered in their faces. Gaffigan, though, is hilarious and I’d highly recommend seeing him if given the chance.

A couple of years ago we got turned onto Jim Gaffigan one night while flipping through the channels and then saw him live when he came to town. It was Linda, actually, who stumbled upon his stand-up show one evening when I was out with a friend and since then we’re slightly obsessed.

He’s most famous for his bit about ‘Hot Pocket’s’ but for me, whether it’s deodorant, bacon, or white trash; everything he does is hilarious. He also does this one about cake and office birthday parties, which is based on the premise that we all behave like we’ve never seen a cake before the second it shows up at the office. “What’s this?” he’ll say. “Cake? Well, I guess I could try it.” I’m sure if you spent a second on youtube you could find a clip.

This is what I think of every time a cake shows up around here at work. Take last week, for example, this woman I work shows up on her birthday with a large cardboard cake box. It had one of those shiny foil stickers in the corner displaying the name of the bakery on it so I know it’s going to be a good cake too. Not one of those cheap theme cakes with waxy frosting that comes from the grocery store. I asked her why she was bringing a cake on her birthday and she explained, “That’s how we do it now. Everyone brings their own cake for their birthday. It just makes it easier.”

I didn’t see how this was easier or how it made sense but she insisted, then added, “and anyway, this isn’t a cake. I brought a fruit tart instead.”

A fruit tart? Really?

A few minutes later she broadcasted an email to the entire department announcing birthday treats. About a half second later the first guy showed up a bit out of breath from running. He’s about 4’ 10” and works on footwear engineering and grumbled, “Oh, I thought there’d be cake.”

You, me, and Jim Gaffigan too my friend.

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The Name of The Wind - For the Record

Yesterday afternoon on my way back to the office following lunch I called my brother Trevor to discuss a book I’d recently finished. ‘The Name of The Wind’ by Patrick Rothfuss falls into the fantasy genre, a category I don’t often read. In fact at the time he suggested I read it, I asked if he read sci-fi exclusively or if he dabbled in other genres. Trevor reads more than anyone I know except maybe for my wife Linda and politely suggested, “Well, ‘The Name of The Wind’ is actually considered fantasy. And yes I read other genres.” He went on to tell me he thought the book was as good if not better than ‘The Lord of The Rings’ series. Then changed his mind adding, “yes I actually think it is better than ‘The Lord of The Rings’.”

The book is a massive 722 pages and took me nearly 2 weeks to finish. For me the first half felt slow and didn’t really get moving till somewhere between page 300 and 350. I mentioned this to Trevor adding that the category was largely new to me and admitted I didn’t think I caught all the nuances. I’d give it 4 - 4 1/2 stars because it really did end strongly, while he gave it a solid 5.

Later in the conversation Trevor mentioned he’d read the days posting on my blog and wondered if I actually saw the people I write about. He added that he loved my post but wondered aloud along with Graham how I could possibly notice the sorts of things I write about. My mother has asked the same thing - several times.

So just to clear things up I’ll share with you what I’ve told them. I’m very observant. I never forget a face. Ever. People I see at the mall on the weekend I can remember from the movie theatre from a month ago. Stuff like that. Because of my profession I’ve honed my wicked observation skills and probably notice more than most. The people I blog about are actual people I’ve met or at least seen.

That said, Linda claims I add so much to a story they become unrecognizable then often adds, “Either that or we really see things differently.” I like to imagine it’s the latter.

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Blackberry vs. Q-Tips

A year or so ago I was sitting around chatting with my family. It was a reunion of sorts, though only about half the family was there. The subject of cell phones came up and we compared notes for a minute or two about who used which phone and why. My sister Stephanie mentioned she was in the market for a new phone and had a few questions. Phones came out of pockets and purses and a sort of informal demonstration began. This went on for five minutes or so before Megan our youngest sister said, “Tell everyone why you need a new phone Stephanie.”

The two are practically neighbors, living a couple of blocks apart and from what I gather spend most days together in some fashion or other. Apparently Megan was “in the vicinity” when the phone was lost. “I dropped it in the toilet,” Stephanie said. “OK? And before that I ran it through the washing machine. But that time it dried out and still worked. Unfortunately the toilet wasn’t as forgiving.”

“Was there anything else in the toilet? Graham asked.”

“No. I was just leaning over it to get a Q-Tip and it fell out of my pocket.” I wasn’t sure I believed her and asked if Megan was in the bathroom with her when it happened.

They insisted in unison they weren’t that close.

A couple of weeks ago I was in Fred Meyer picking up a couple of yogurts for lunch and stopped off in the restroom. Theirs is located at the end of a long winding hallway with doors lining both sides marked ‘Employees Only’ in thick black lettering. As I rounded the last corner I nearly bumped into a tall woman dressed in heels and a light grey business suit and skirt. Her hair was pulled back tight and she wore a look on her face that suggested she wasn’t one to be messed with. I quickly stepped aside and noticed the wad of paper towels she was using to dry off her blackberry cell phone.

It seems Stephanie isn’t the only one “reaching for Q-Tips.”

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Perfection

We’ve all heard the saying, ‘Don’t mess with perfection.’ This is a statement not to be confused with it’s close cousin, ‘If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it,’ which is close, but only at first glance. While the second statement refers to an object that works, or at a minimum, services and requires little to no attention the first statement calls one’s attention to something that merits complete and utter focus simply because it can’t be improved upon. They’re opposites, really.

May 11th each year, for me, is perfection.

Happy Birthday Linda!

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Planes, Trains, and wait, what?

I’ve been away from my writing for nearly two weeks and haven’t so much as touched a pen or the keyboard the entire time. I guess we all need a break sometimes and it’s taken me these near two weeks to regain my interest in writing. Well, that and a laundry list of distractions I have been forced to work through so I can get back to business here on Ashmarlin.

First I had to plan a trip to Taiwan and Hong Kong, which I was not looking forward to. I tend to travel to Asia a couple of times a year for work and this sort of travel really gets old. The good news is the trip was cancelled, the bad is that it was replaced with a trip to Florida.

I’ve been to Florida on several occasions and have always heard the state laid claim to the highest number of strip clubs per capita in the country. If you’ve even been, you understand the reason for this reputation - I really dislike Florida. And, frankly, would prefer Taiwan and Hong Kong even with the accompanying 25 or so hours of flying and the 4 - 5 days of jet lag recovery.

The swap to Florida was bad news but I guess the upside was that I was supposed to be meeting with Tiger Woods to work through some design stuff. He ended up canceling.

During this on again, off again travel planning I got a call from my daughter Leah. She’s nine and was crying so hard I could hardly tell what she was saying. Between sobs I caught, “Car...sob, sob, sob... acci... sob, sob... dent...,” and then she hung up. It turned out to be minor, “just a fender bender,” agreed the body shop. Then suggested the repairs should only take a couple of days.

This was before the insurance company got involved, though, which turned into a nightmare of it’s own. A nightmare that morphed and grew of it’s own accord for over a week and has required dozens of phone calls, voice messages left, and letter writing. The upside to this little adventure is that after nine years our family car has been replaced with a spanking new one with all the whistles and bells.

To kick off this little personal pain session, though, was a relaxing evening with the family. Leah and Margaret had been begging for weeks to play a game as a family. Following dinner one night Linda and I finally agreed to a round of balderdash. This is the one where one player has the actual definition to some unheard of word in the English language and the remaining players make definitions up before everyone guesses which one is right. We played 5 or 6 rounds before, out of the blue, Leah claimed, “The only thing Dad and I have in common is we both like treats.” While it is true, in fact, Leah and I do both like treats; I like to imagine we have a bit more in common than a taste for sweets.

So for the past 10 days or so while stumbling through my many distractions, all I could think of was what else I shared in common with my daughter Leah.

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Should things go from bad to worse

Some members of my extended family have spent years planning for the worst and expecting nothing less that total catastrophe. This weekend while bouncing around the internet I saw this little device and thought I'd offer it up to those family members who are interested.

You'll also note this product is made in the good old U.S. of A. which satisfies another extended family conspiracy theory of doom and destruction.

If you're reading this and asking yourself, "Is he talking about me?" The answer is probably not. You know who you are.

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