Freezies

We’ve been experiencing record heat this past week with a few days at 107º+. I was in 7-11 the other day trying my best to stay hydrated when I was startled by the most curious creature I’ve seen in awhile. She appeared out of nowhere and was no more than 4 foot something and equally wide - the human equivalent to a 4X4 post, I thought. I’m usually pretty observant and wondered how she got in the door and all the way to the back of the store without my noticing. Her hair was unkempt, the surface dyed a golden yellow leaving a dark undercoat that suggested the mess might have been intentional. Her t-shirt hung to mid-thigh drawing my eyes past her miniature face and down to a pair of pasty legs so skinny I worried they’d buckle. I couldn’t tell if she had pants on and was afraid to look too closely. On her feet she wore ratty, flesh toned crocs so dirty I initially mistook them for some kind of human hooves.

We were at the drink station and she caught me staring. “What are you lookin’ at,” she asked?

“Uh, your drink?” I was pleased with my quick thinking.

“Oh these? Yeah these are the best,” she said jabbing her tiny fist at the slurpee machine. “I drink these freezies all summer long and like to have a proper mug to drink ‘em from. My name is Gail and I’m particle sensitive so I always rinse ‘em before the first time I use ‘em. You should get one.”

“Nice to meet you Gail, I’m Christian and I think that’s called dust.”

“Dus. . . What?” She motored on, “I buy 3 or 4 new mugs every summer because I know I’ll be drinking a lot of the freezies and having several back-ups just makes sense.”

Apparently she’d tried every insulated drink holder on the market and insisted 7-11’s version was the best. While her test methods might not have been the most scientific they were extensive. “These babies will survive sub zero temperatures and can sit right on your dashboard all summer long, no problem.” Gail paused and my eyes surveyed her mug which was heavily faded and slightly misshapen. She watched me then gave a half cocked smile and continued, undaunted. “I don’t think they like the dishwasher but I’m not sure on that one - haven’t tried it. I just don’t dare. I freeze ‘em all the time though. Even keep a couple in the freezer for back-ups. Nothing can hurt these babies and you should buy one.” And then she just stared me down expectantly.

I told her I didn’t drink the freezies and things got awkward. Gail stared up at me squinting her beady eyes and I looked down at my feet uncomfortably. When I looked up all I caught was her backside, her tiny arm cradling the oversized mug while muttering, “doesn’t like freezies? They just make sense.”

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Cheshire Tech?

Sometimes people look to me like they’d be more comfortable as the animated version of themselves. Like that guy that played Newman on Seinfeld, Wayne Knight, when I see him I always imagine he’d fit much better in an animated world rather that here in reality with regular humans. Funny oversized body, his stubby fingers knitted together, I picture him as the diabolical idiot sneering while his dastardly plan falls apart around him.

At other times people don’t really look like comic book characters to me but their behavior is just off enough they remind me of some popular animated figure. Nothing dramatic or outlandish just the simple oddities that beg the question, “You’re not from around here are you?”

I’m a huge fan of Costco, the warehouse super store with everything from cheap lunch to 57 choices of flat screen TVs and case sized pickles side by side with freshly roasted chickens. With this kind of selection and rock bottom prices who doesn’t love it? The other day I was in the market for a new wireless router and decided to check for one at Costco. I’m mildly aware of tech stuff and usually know what questions to ask and though I don’t generally associate the Costco shopping experience with expertly informed retail help I was surprised when I ran into Evan.

He didn’t so much as look like the Cheshire Cat with his thin rimmed glasses and oversized hawaiian shirt faded and threadbare, but his behavior immediately made me think of the pink and purple striped feline. Even before I got my first question out he began nodding while slowly closing his eyes as if to suggest, “I’m special, blessed with a gift you know, and am willing to share with the common folk in exchange for their adoration.

I played along.

I asked Evan his opinion on the router in question and spent the next 15 minutes discovering the back alleys of wireless hacking and computer fraud. Apparently if a person is armed with a few over the counter computer “systems” and has a bit of time, the average home network is far from secure. “I’m talking about urban areas, though, and you’re obviously more of a suburban type,” he said. “I wouldn’t worry too much,” and then he grinned. I ignored the slight and pressed on.

“So for someone like me, someone who isn’t hacking into the neighbors family computer and doesn’t think his neighborhood is particularly tech savvy, would this be a good router?”

“Well,” he nodded slowly and touched his fingertips together, “If we can establish that your network is going to read like an open book to someone like me - and you’re fine with that, then yes, this is an acceptable router.” Then he added, “There is the ventilation problem though.”

“Uh, ventilation,” I asked?

“Do you see any ventilation? These things get hot and if it were me I’d crack the case and strap a massive heat sink to the back of this puppy. But that’s just me and I like to run my routers hot. And then I fry ‘em,. . . within the warranty period, of course,” and he did his Cheshire Cat grin again. “Those are always fun visits from the tech support staff.” Evan pumped his arms making air quotes, “No, it just started smoking. I don’t have any idea what went wrong. Is this normal?” This seemed to really please him and he chuckled for a minute before coming back to the conversation. “You should be fine though, for what you’re going to do with it.” He was going to add something else but when he closed his eyes and grinned I ran.

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