Freezies

We’ve been experiencing record heat this past week with a few days at 107º+. I was in 7-11 the other day trying my best to stay hydrated when I was startled by the most curious creature I’ve seen in awhile. She appeared out of nowhere and was no more than 4 foot something and equally wide - the human equivalent to a 4X4 post, I thought. I’m usually pretty observant and wondered how she got in the door and all the way to the back of the store without my noticing. Her hair was unkempt, the surface dyed a golden yellow leaving a dark undercoat that suggested the mess might have been intentional. Her t-shirt hung to mid-thigh drawing my eyes past her miniature face and down to a pair of pasty legs so skinny I worried they’d buckle. I couldn’t tell if she had pants on and was afraid to look too closely. On her feet she wore ratty, flesh toned crocs so dirty I initially mistook them for some kind of human hooves.

We were at the drink station and she caught me staring. “What are you lookin’ at,” she asked?

“Uh, your drink?” I was pleased with my quick thinking.

“Oh these? Yeah these are the best,” she said jabbing her tiny fist at the slurpee machine. “I drink these freezies all summer long and like to have a proper mug to drink ‘em from. My name is Gail and I’m particle sensitive so I always rinse ‘em before the first time I use ‘em. You should get one.”

“Nice to meet you Gail, I’m Christian and I think that’s called dust.”

“Dus. . . What?” She motored on, “I buy 3 or 4 new mugs every summer because I know I’ll be drinking a lot of the freezies and having several back-ups just makes sense.”

Apparently she’d tried every insulated drink holder on the market and insisted 7-11’s version was the best. While her test methods might not have been the most scientific they were extensive. “These babies will survive sub zero temperatures and can sit right on your dashboard all summer long, no problem.” Gail paused and my eyes surveyed her mug which was heavily faded and slightly misshapen. She watched me then gave a half cocked smile and continued, undaunted. “I don’t think they like the dishwasher but I’m not sure on that one - haven’t tried it. I just don’t dare. I freeze ‘em all the time though. Even keep a couple in the freezer for back-ups. Nothing can hurt these babies and you should buy one.” And then she just stared me down expectantly.

I told her I didn’t drink the freezies and things got awkward. Gail stared up at me squinting her beady eyes and I looked down at my feet uncomfortably. When I looked up all I caught was her backside, her tiny arm cradling the oversized mug while muttering, “doesn’t like freezies? They just make sense.”