Hump found - anxiously looking for original owner

“You eat like a bird, Christian.” This was what my grandmother said to me nearly every time I visited her. Her cooking wasn’t so bad but it was her tendency to break out a smorgasbord of leftovers when my brothers and I visited. A dozen or so tinfoil balls pulled from the freezer and defrosted for our dining pleasure. Mystery meals, we called them. I was in college at the time and generally saw my grandmother a few times a month. I lived across the way from my younger brother Trevor and he followed her statement with, “Christian is a camel for food. He’ll go forever without eating then every so often really fill up for another long haul.”

It’s true. Back in college I seemed to make the long haul more often than not. A couple of yogurts for lunch after skipping breakfast and I’d be good for the day. Should something convenient come up for dinner, great. If not, no problem. It was this feast or famine eating habit that contributed to my 3% body fat at the time. I had a roommate working on his masters of exercise physiology and for part of his thesis he needed a guinea pig to succumb to daily measurements for two weeks. I’m quick to bring up my scores, especially with Linda.

Just yesterday, in fact, I worked it into our conversation. It was a high point of my life and I like to remind her of it, “I was in really good shape back then, huh? 3% body fat, Linda, 3%.”

I was changing at the time, providing her with a nice profile angle and she answered, “Yeah, well you’re not 3% anymore!”

I looked down at my protruding belly sadly. The problem is I still eat like a camel, it just seems I’ve finally grown a hump.

I need a diet.